Week 31 - Good

Jack is doing well, really well in fact. His heart, lungs, blood flow, brain activity, everything is normal. This is good. TH is flattening out some more, and Jack continues to outgrow it, and Doctors C. & K. are very happy with how things are progressing. This is good. We got confirmation today that yes indeed my beautiful wife will be delivering our little man by c-section, on or near Week 39, so this will put the big day at somewhere around May 18th. This is very good. We finally get to see our boy. This is very very good. Soon after that (very soon, we hope and pray) TH will be removed and we won't have to think about it anymore. This is the goodest of all (I know it's not proper grammar, but I have to keep the theme going).

Thanks for being a part of this with us, you've helped us so much. We owe you one, all of you.

J-L

Addendum (Jack's mom here): Incidentally, he now weighs 4 pounds. 4 pounds! Isn't that crazy? And, as we've been told the last few weeks: He has a whole lotta hair. Which, for those of you who saw his sister as a newborn, should not come as a shock. I just wonder if it's purple and yellow and brown like Abby seems to think it will be.

Thoughts on Good Friday

I've been thinking a little bit about Good Friday lately (that one's for my siblings: it's how so many of my father's talks began).

I know I’m a little late with this one seeing as it's now Monday and the Easter dress has already made its way to the laundry hamper and the chocolate bunny has been consumed down to the stomach and legs. But, bear with me because sometimes I think one needs to write things out even if they're a little late.

A few bits of clarification before I begin on my diatribe:

- I do NOT feel that we have the most tragic event befallen our family. I think there is some heartbreak to it but there are many others (including you perhaps?) who have it MUCH worse than we do. Please don't interpret this post as a sympathy ploy.

- And this one is difficult for me to write as I am typically a very private person: I struggle with prenatal depression. There, it's out. Life for me during my pregnancies can be very dark and bleak. I try to hide it as best as possible but in my quiet private moments it haunts me and chokes me. This was the case with my first pregnancy as well so it really has little to do with the circumstances of this pregnancy.

And now on to Good Friday. Why Good Friday and not Easter? Well, for this year anyway, Good Friday seems to have more affect on me than Easter. Sometimes as Christians we get carried away with Easter. It's the celebration. It's the reason we are. He was resurrected. He was dead but he ROSE AGAIN. This is fantastic. It's worthy of shouting and a hallelujah or two. That moment of the stone being rolled away and the vacant tomb is enough to base my belief system on. Absolutely! There is nothing wrong with Easter.

But.

Easter could not have happened without Good Friday. The death had to be there. The pain, the suffering, the separation from God. I do NOT want to celebrate that. I want the day off work but I do not want to mourn the heartbreak and sadness that is Good Friday. God turned his face from Jesus. That is a hard fact to wrap my head around. Frankly, let's just move on to the party…

Nope, not this time.

“My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me!” It's there. I can’t avoid it. And it's important. It's key. I need to remember the pain.

Some of you may have noticed the verse I now have posted at the top of our blog. It comes from the Old Testament. The Israelites were instructed (more than once) to remember where they had come from. It's important. In this verse specifically it was referred to as Ebenezer. "Hitherto hath the Lord helped us". God took them OUT of the pain, out of slavery but they were not to forget the pain. Not that they were to dwell on it or become bitter about it but rather that they were to remember that God had been there too. He was there during the milk and honey but he was there during the times in the desert as well.

Sometimes I have the desert and sometimes I have milk and honey. I am called to remember that God was there during both times.

I am a wee bit of a gardener. We moved into this house in August, too late for a summer garden for that year. And yet, I planted some tulips. In fall. This seems odd in a way. Why would I plant tulips in the fall, just before the frost? Well, tulips do BETTER if they have a time of hibernation, a time of cold. That's right, they are better, healthier, stronger and bolder if they go through pain.

Sometimes I am called to pain.

In order for there to be Easter I need to have Good Friday.

And later this year when my tulips are blooming it's important that I don't forget the icy winds of winter.

Week 30 - The more things change

We had a special guest join us for the ultrasound yesterday. Abby and I went to pick up Cynthia so that we could see Jack as a family. There was a bit of a wait, but Abby got to hold the pager, so she was happy. When we got to the room, we introduced Abby to Nurse L, then later to Doctor C and Doctor K. Abby was unsure of what was going to take place, but she sat quietly in the dark and waited for the show to begin. She was her usual inquisitive self: "where's Jack?" and "why goo Mommy?" and "Daddy drink the goo?" (which if you've seen the video of our typical Thursday that was posted a while back, you'll understand). I think the thing Abby liked the most was laying on the bed with Mommy while we looked at the pictures of our boy.

Things have changed a little bit. The size of The Himp has decreased from 0.54 to 0.45. It is a little deceiving though, because it is not really getting any smaller, it is just flattening out and covering a bit more real estate. Doctor C says that this is good, because it will be less traumatic on Jack when he is born. She mentioned the C word again (in this case ceserean), which always makes me feel a little better. (I'm no doctor, but I just can't understand why there is even a thought of a vaginal birth when our son has a rather large growth on his body.) Apparently he has quite a bit of hair on his head already, and looks very cute (they say this to us every week). Either way, his heart is very good (no excess water to be found), blood flow is healthy, and he is growing at a normal rate (he weighs 3 lbs. 4 oz.). So far so good.

For now we are one day closer to May 25th. One day closer to seeing our boy. One day closer to the surgery that will remove TH from Jack and our lives forever. One day closer to being a family of 4. One day closer to getting back to the Old Normal. One day closer.

J-L

Week 29 - Status Quo

We had 2 appointments today. Cynthia had her blood pressure checked (excellent, by the way) and her blood sugar checked (4.3, again excellent), then it was off to the ultrasound. Nothing new to report; Jack is growing, The Himp is growing, but both at the same pace (TH is half the size of Jack's head), so that is a good thing. Our boy is very active, and we got some great 3D pictures of him (see the upper right corner of this blog). His little heart is beating well, and there is no excess fluid around it, so that is another good sign. All in all, a very good appointment.

Next week will be week 30. It's been 10 weeks since TH was first detected, and it will be, God willing, another 10 weeks before our son is born. This is our normal now; weekly ultrasounds, endless questions, and a bunch of stress thrown in for good measure. By now, the doctors are quite confident that Jack will live, which is the best news EVER. But there is always the chance that from one week to the next something could go wrong. I hate that possibility, but I know it exists. And some days it takes all the energy I have to not lie in bed all day and just disappear. All I know is that this needs to be over soon. For Cynthia, for Abby, for me, but mostly for our little boy. It's time for TH to be gone from our lives.

Please continue to pray; you have no idea how much those prayers help us through this crazy time that is now Our Normal.

J-L

Spring can do that

Yesterday after work
We took a walk
Hand in hand
In the melting, slushy snow
No hats
No mittens
We talked of our day
And she found the moon
And a helicopter
We watched cars drive by
And we laughed as they splashed in the giant puddles
“I want a pool” she said
My darling girl you will get one
It will be small but it will be summer
And I felt some of the worry
And some of the fear
And some of the sadness
Melt from my shoulders
If only for a moment

Week 28: A rose by any other name...

Scattered thoughts today; sorry for that.

Things are status quo, as they have been for the last 8 weeks; Jack is growing, the tumour is growing, but Jack's heart shows no sign of distress or strain. I am very grateful for this, and I thank God for this. But every Thursday at around noon, I ask myself the same questions over and over again: is this the week where something goes wrong? Is this the week that the tumour has become too large for Jack to manage? Is this the week where he needs to be born so that the tumour can be removed? And so far so good, it hasn't been the week. And hopefully not next week, or the week after that.

We met with a couple of neonatologists this time around. They are the doctors who work in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) at HSC. The place where Jack will be taken as soon as he is born so that they can commence the various tests needed to find out how best to tackle the tumour. I keep thinking that if more doctors are added to Operation Himp Removal that we would get some answers to our never ending questions. But they don't have answers for us either. And so we wait. Again.

About the tumour. We found out that it is not a tumour (insert your Arnold imitation here). The doctors are quite certain that it is an arterio-veinous malformation (to be called AVM from here on in). And since it is not a tumour, it is not cancerous. So good news in that sense. Now it's a whole other bunch of things to worry about. Now it appears that one of the NICU docs thinks that a vaginal birth is more possible than a c-section. And Jack may be able to leave the NICU if surgery doesn't happen right away. Or he'll have to stay in the NICU if the surgery doesn't happen right away. Or this. Maybe that. Possibly this. Perhaps that. Too many scenarios to take in at once. So many ifs, ands, or buts. So much uncertainty. Enough with it already. Give us some answers to our questions. Tell us that Jack will have surgery a few days after he is born, recover quickly, and then we can all go home TOGETHER, a family of four. Tell us that our boy 's little heart will not be damaged because of the (insert expletive here) AVM.

But at least we are another day closer to seeing our boy, so we have to cling to that, and try not to let the negatives get the best of us (starting tomorrow, of course).

J-L

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things That Make Me Happy

1. I am off today. This has meant a leisurely bath as well as some lame tv.

2. [photo removed]

3. In just under 2 hours we get to see our son again. This is our 7th ultrasound and they have not become dull or taken for granted. I know I’m lucky to see him every week.

4. Tonight some of my favorite friends are coming over. We’ve been getting together on Thursday nights for 7+ years already. I hope it never ends.

5. [photo removed]

6. [photo removed]

7. My husband. He knows pregnancy (even the more normal one I had the first time around) is not easy on me, emotionally or physically. And so he steps up… over and over again.

8. [photo removed]

9. That so many people are reading this blog and praying for us and emailing us and commenting. I feel blessed and humbled every single day.

10. That I live in a country with fantastic healthcare. Had this happened generations ago or in a different country the results would likely not be as favourable.

11. [photo removed]

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Connect the dots

Abby moved around a lot in my womb but never woke me up at night.

Jack moves around a fair amount too but not nearly as much as Abby. That being said, Jack has kept me awake at night at least 3 nights due to his dramatic movements.

Abby slept through the night at one month old.
Jack...

I'm in trouble, aren't I?