Week 27

When I was pregnant with Abby the doctor who was to deliver her was a teaching doctor. And so, nearly every week I saw a different intern. Some lovely, capable. Some terrified and unsure of themselves. However, I was "of a certain age" (over 35) so each and every week I was asked the exact same questions by each and every intern: "Are you going for your amniocentesis? Are you going for your triple screen?" (Those in the medical profession please correct me if I've forgotten the name.) The answers to each of those questions was "no" every single week (why they didn't note that in my file was beyond me). Some of those interns would get a frightened look on their faces when I said "no". "But EVERYONE over 35 gets them done here in Manitoba." I would then calmly look in their faces and ask them "why?". Their response was some type of variation of: "Well, it can tell you if your risk for having a baby with Down's syndrome or spina bifida is higher." "Okay, that's fine but is there anything I or you can do for my baby in utero if it's discovered that the risk is higher?" "Well, no." "Okay, well keep in mind that we believe that this child is God's gift to us and that He will help us to care for whatever comes our way. We have no intentions of terminating the pregnancy. So then in my mind the only thing that will happen is that I will spend the next X number of months worrying about my unborn baby and what life will be like afterwards when in all actuality, it only means the RISK is higher, not that I am going to have a baby with Down's syndrome or spina bifida. The thing is, I'm going to worry anyway, it's what I do, I don’t really need to add extra stress by worrying more. So, thanks but no thanks."

I think back on those conversations often with this pregnancy. How I was able to shut the door on worry and how not knowing just felt better to me. Sometimes I wish that I could "not know" for this pregnancy too. Don't get me wrong, I think it's in Jack's best interests that we know now. That they can prepare ahead of time and learn and study. I do understand that and I’m thankful for that. But, the worry can burn the eyelids and choke the throat. This week we heard these words: "Next week I want to introduce you to a neonatologist." Why? Well, because Jack will be heading into NICU or intermediate intensive care directly after birth. I knew that he would need to spend some time in there but there was a small part of my brain that was holding out hope that his time in there would only be after surgery. That we would be able to head home as a happy family of four after he was born and we would just have to bring him back in for tests and the surgery. That I would be able to breast feed my baby in my bed. That we would get to hold him and cuddle with him just as we did with Abby. And yes, in this lovely world of mine the sun WAS indeed shining and the birds were singing. But, that's not to be. We have to head home as three, same as we came in. I have to go through the pain of childbirth and then leave my child there. And we have NO IDEA when the surgery will be and how long he will be there as they poke and prod and test him. I know millions of mothers have lived through this. I also know that one day this will all just be a story that we will tell Jack. And yet, for the next three months I also have to know that I don't get to have "normal" and for right now that's just breaking my heart.